Swiper Gets a Gun
by Evil Rabid Kadabra
Summary: Ummm...I don't even know why I did this, I guess I was really bored, or I was tired, but, I was watching Dora the Explorer for a while for no apparent reason, and I made this fic. That show annoys me...


Swiper Gets a Gun

:A wooden door opens up into a cluttered room:

High pitched little kid voice: DORA! Boots! Come on, Dora! D-D-D-Dora! Yeah! D-D-Dora! D-D-Dora! D-D-D-D-D-Dora! Dora, Dora, Dora de explora! DORA! Boots is a super cool exploralora! Get the backpack! Need your help! Hop in! Come on! You can lead the way! Yay! D-D-D-Dora! D-D-Dora! D-D-D-Dora! D-D-Dora! Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Awww…MAN!

High pitched little kid voice: DORA THE EXPLORER! :click noise:

:Swiper is in his burrow, thinking of his new cunning plan to swipe Dora and Boots' stuff.:

Swiper: Hmmm…that won't work. They'll say "Swiper no swiping", and scare me away. :A look of surprise comes across Swiper's face: Hello, kids! I'm Swiper the fox, that sneaky fox that's always trying to steal Dora's stuff, but it's not as bad as it sounds. I want her stuff so I can sell it for money, because I am a very poor fox. Why else do you think I live in a burrow?

High pitched little kid voice: Because you're a fox?

Swiper: SHUT UP! I didn't ask you! Now…what was my new cunning plan? I have the top secret blueprint for it somewhere around here…:Swiper looks as if he just had an ophifany: Let's stop and think. Now, where would I keep my stuff? :A blue mouse cursor comes out of nowhere and clicks Swiper's blindfold: That's right! Now, you need to say blindfold for me, Ok?

Mysterious voice: Say blindfold! Say blindfold!

:The blindfold mysteriously sprouts eyeballs and starts to dance and sing:

Blindfold :singing:: Blindfold, blindfold. Blindfold, blindfold. I'm the blindfold filled with stuff, and things and nik-nacks too! Blindfold, blindfold, yeah! Now, which of these things are blue? :the cursor mysteriously appears and clicks the pink thing: NO! WRONG! WHAT HAVE WE TOLD YOU, YOU DAMN BLUE POINTY THING! Now, which is the blue one? :Before the cursor appears, the right one lights up: That's right. I had to do it for you! Dumb stupid kids!

:Goes back to Swiper the fox, the sneaky fox that is always trying to steal Dora's and Boots' stuff:

Swiper: Thank you for the blueprint. :He opens it up: Now, this is a map! It shows me how to get to the winter supply store and the gun shop. This is how I get there. First, I must cross the creepy 6-lane overpass. Then, I must go into the scary back alley. Then, I get to town center. So, let's say that again. 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. Say it with me! . 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. :Weird music plays and Swiper is suddenly in a mountainous field doing cartwheels: Come on babanos, everybody let's go! We will get through it, I know that we can do it! Where are we going? 

Mysterious Voice: Town center! Where are we going?

Swiper: Town center! Where are we going?

Lots of Mysterious Voices: Town center!

Swiper/Mysterious Voices: Where are we going? Town center! :Weird music: Town center! :Swiper is face to face with the overpass: Oh no! The scary six lane overpass! What are we going to do? Let's stop and think. Do you see anything that could get us across the six-lane overpass? :The mysterious cursor clicks an airplane: Oh, no! I hate airplanes, but I guess I have too.

:Swiper goes up to the plane and sees that there is no ignition key:

Swiper: Aww man, I know what this means! I have to talk to it in Spanish. Great. Hola! No habla espanol!

Airplane: No habla espanol? Bye!

:Swiper gets flung out of the ejection seat and lands right in the middle of the median of the six lane overpass:

Swiper: Great. Now I have to cross it myself. But how do I get across it? Hmmm…lets stop and think. Do you see anything that could get me across the six-lane overpass? :The blue cursor once again mysteriously appears and clicks a rope: Yeah! If I hook one end to the guardrail and the other end to the tree on the other side, I could get across the overpass and get to town center! I'm going to need your help to do this though. This is how you can help. You need to put your arms out in front of you, and pull. 

Mysterious Voice: Pull! Pull!

:Swiper ties the rope around the guardrail and the other end wraps around a tree on the other side, and Swiper jumps up on it and starts moving across:

Swiper: Pull! Pull! Pull a little bit harder, or I'll fall in the middle of the completely stopped rush hour traffic!

:A minute later, Swiper is on the other side of the six lane overpass, when a snail, frog and a cricket mysteriously appear out of nowhere and start to play music:

Swiper: Thank you for your help. Now where do we have to go?

High pitched little kid voice: I…don't…know!

Swiper: Well, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU DUMB KIDS! IF ALL YOU ARE GOING TO DO IS JUST SIT THERE AND SAY "I don't know" EVERY SINGLE TIME I ASK YOU SOMETHING, THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT ANSWER!

High pitched little kid voice: Sorry!

Swiper: I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE SORRY, AND DIDN'T I JUST TELL IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO SAY, SHUT UP?

High pitched little kid voice: Umm…

Swiper: WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?

High pitched little kid voice: To shut up?

Swiper: YES! SO DO SO!

:There is silence:

Swiper: Good. Now I'll figure this one out on my own. I went over the six lane over pass, so where do I have to go next? And don't answer this one.

:Two hours later:

Swiper: I'll figure it out, don't worry.

:The next day:

Swiper: That's it! I need to go on the back alley, to get to town center! Sing it with me! 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. :Weird music plays and Swiper is suddenly in a mountainous field doing cartwheels: Come on babanos, everybody let's go! Come on, let's get to it! I know that we can do it! Where are we going? 

Mysterious Voice: Town center! Where are we going?

Swiper: Town center! Where are we going?

Lots of Mysterious Voices: Town center!

Swiper/Mysterious Voices: Where are we going? Town center! :Weird music: Town center!

Swiper: Oh no! It's the scary back alley! :There is the sound of trash cans being knocked over and a cat growling in the distance: Now where do I have to go?

High pitched little kid voice: That way.

Swiper: Which way? And didn't I tell you to shut up?

High pitched little kid voice: Left.

Swiper: Didn't I just tell you to shut up?

High pitched little kid voice: What does that mean?

Swiper: It means to stop talking now! 

:The only sound is the cat growling:

Swiper: Good. Now, I go left. :He comes face to face with a brick wall: HEY! This isn't the right way! Stupid mysterious voice! What are you supposed to be anyway?

High pitched little kid voice: I'm the blue cursor!

Swiper: Hey! I never knew you could talk! Since when could you?

Blue cursor: I have been able to forever. I have never talked because I've always been with stupid Dora, and she never lets me talk, she just wants me to find stuff for her and click on it with my head. It also looks like you didn't want me to talk some time ago too.

Swiper: I know, and it's because you misdirect me all the time!

Blue cursor: Hey, I'm sorry. Who is always right?

Swiper: God?

Blue cursor: Besides him.

Swiper: Hmm…I don't know. Let's stop and think. Do you know anyone who is perfect?

:Two hours later:

Swiper: I guess not. Enough with the talk. We need to get to town center! :Swiper turns right instead of left and walks out of the back alley, and the cricket, frog and snail mysteriously appear again and start to play music: Now where do we go? We went over the creepy six-lane overpass, the scary back alley, and what comes after that?

Blue cursor: :yawning: Town center…

Swiper: Right! Sing it with me! 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. 6 lane overpass, back alley, town center. :Weird music plays and Swiper is suddenly in a mountainous field doing cartwheels: Come on babanos, everybody let's go! Come on, let's get to it! I know that we can do it! Where are we going? 

Mysterious Voice: Town center! Where are we going?

Swiper: Town center! Where are we going?

Lots of Mysterious Voices: Town center!

Swiper/Mysterious Voices: Where are we going? Town center! :Weird music: Town center!

Swiper: Yes! Finally I have made it to the town center. We did it! :Weird music and clapping: We did it! We did it! We did it! Yay! Oh yeah, we did it! We did it! We made it across the six lane overpass, oh yeah we did it! We did it! We made it through the scary back alley, oh yeah we did it! We did it! We got to town center and got the gun and earmuffs, oh yeah we did it! We did it! We did it! WE DID IT!

Weird voice: Yes, of course! You can do it!

Swiper: What? Who said that?

Weird voice: Me, silly! I'm Christopher Lowell! Of course you know my _super_ voice, don't you, silly?

Swiper: Yes…of course. Your _super_ voice.

Christopher Lowell: Well that's just so _superbly_ good. Now, what would a fox like you be doing in town on such a _dreadful_ day?

Swiper: It's not _dreadful_.

:It starts to rain hard:

Swiper: Oh, thanks, Mr. _Superb_. :Swiper darts towards the nearest shelter, which just so happens to be the gun shop: Oh, I've been waiting all of my career for this moment! The moment I get a gun and blast Dora's head off the planet! Mwahahahahaha…

:Four days later:

Swiper: hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christopher Lowell: Oh, you're such a _silly_ fox. If I was so _superbly silly_, I wouldn't have millions of dollars and my own TV show. Buh-bye now foxy! And remember, you can do it!

:Swiper blinks a few times, and goes completely still:

Blue cursor: Umm…hello? Is anyone there?

:The only sound the growling cat:

Blue cursor: Swiper…Swiper? Swiper? Swiper? :blue cursor has an idea: Swiper wake up! Swiper wake up! SWIPER WAKE UP!

:Swiper rouses from his deep sleep:

Swiper: Huh? Where am I?

Blue cursor: Where you were when you went to sleep, Swiper. The power of voice always works on Swiper the fox. 

Swiper: That reminds me of a time of when I was just a little kit.

:Flashback to when Swiper was a kit:

Swiper's mom: Now Swiper, you have to clean your room.

Swiper: But maaaaaaaam…

Swiper's mom: Swiper clean your room.

Swiper: But-

Swiper's mom: Swiper clean your room.

Swiper: Mom-

Swiper's mom: Swiper clean your room.

Swiper: Awww…man! :Back to town center: I hated cleaning my room, but if I was told to three different times to do something, I had to do it. Which reminds me, we need to buy that stuff. Come on! 

:They walk into the store and see the prices of the guns:

Swiper: Oh my! This stuff is too expensive! We need to swipe Dora's stuff if we want to be able to buy these kinds of guns. So will you help me swipe Dora's stuff? :pause: You will? Great! Now, we will walk down this path to my left to look for Dora. If you hear a rustling noise, say Dora! Ok? :another pause: Great! Now, you say what I say. Going on a Dora hunt! Gonna shoot her head off! I'm not scared. For it's a…dreadful day, and its doughnut break for the policemen! :Swiper is back in the field doing cartwheels: Now sing it really soft! Going on a Dora hunt! Gonna shoot her head off! I'm not scared. For it's a…dreadful day, and its doughnut break for the policemen! Now sing it really, really loud! Going on a Dora hunt! Gonna shoot her head off! I'm not scared. For it's a…dreadful day, and its doughnut break for the policemen! :Swiper laughs for a while: Oh, man! That was the most fun I've ever had in one day!

:There is a rustling noise, and Dora is hiding in a stump:

Swiper: That sounds like Dora!

Blue cursor: Yeah that Dora is always avoiding us when we try to swipe her stuff.

Swiper: If you see Dora, yell Dora!

:Swiper turns around and the stump with Dora in it produces four legs in it. Meanwhile:

:There is a rustling nose, and Swiper is standing in the middle of the bumpy country road:

Dora: That sounds like Swiper the fox!

Boots: Yeah, that sneaky fox is always trying to steal our stuff.

Dora: If you see Swiper, say "Swiper"!

:Swiper passes by and the blue cursor is silent:

Dora: HEY! Blue cursor, your supposed to say Swiper… :blue cursor is silent: Say Swiper! :blue cursor is still silent:

Boots: Maybe the blue cursor magically lost the ability to speak.

Dora: No…I know! I'll sneak behind Swiper!

:Meanwhile, again back to Swiper:

Blue cursor: Dora!

Swiper: You see Dora? Where?

Blue cursor: Behind you.

Swiper: :looking behind himself: I don't see her.

Blue cursor: Behind you, in the mysterious tree with legs.

Swiper: Oh…yeah! :Swiper walks up to the tree: Hello tree. You are an odd looking tree.

Dora: Habla Espanol!

Swiper: Oh damn! Why can't anything speak any other language than damn Spanish!

Dora: Habla Espanol!

Swiper: …Shut the hell up. And by the way, since when do trees have feet?

Dora: Ummmm…since-I mean Habla Espanol!

Swiper: Forget it. :He takes off the cover up of the stump: Dora!

Dora: :Swiper moves a little bit closer to Dora: Swiper no swiping! :Swiper moves closer: Swiper no swiping! :Swiper gets closer: Swiper no swiping! :Swiper gets closer: Hey! It's not working! I need your help! :Swiper gets closer: Say Swiper no swiping with me! :Swiper gets closer: Swiper no swiping! :Swiper moves even closer, and then swipes her stuff: Thanks for your help.

Swiper: Ha! You'll never find the stuff!

Dora: We need your help to find our stuff. Will you actually help this time? :there is silence: Great…

Swiper: They will never get your help ever again, because I have total control, thanks to my college educated plan! :He pulls out a chalkboard with the words "Control you" on it and waits for some differently animated kid to crawl through it to talk about his "college educated plan": Control you is the plan, and it is already finished!

:Go to scene of a forest:

Dora: Now the first thing that he stole was a magic flute. Do you see things the same color as the magic flute?

:There are multiple things the same color as the magic flute:

Blue cursor: No.

Dora: Okay, now the second thing he stole was our pail of blueberries! Do you see anything that is blue and cylindrical?

:Once again, there are multiple things that are round and cylindrical:

Blue cursor: No.

Dora: Man, he hid this stuff well!

Boots: Yeah , he did.

Dora: Now, the third thing he stole was my grandmother's basket full of mangos and good things to eat! Do you see something the same shape as my grandmother's basket?

:Once more, there are plenty of things the same shape as Dora's grandmother's basket:

Blue cursor: No.

Boots: Then he must have taken it all to his secret hideout! Come on!

:Meanwhile:

Swiper: Ha! Dora and Boots are so dumb! Actually, they couldn't be dumber!

Blue cursor: Yeah, couldn't be dumber.

Swiper: Now I need to sell this stuff on the black market in the middle of the ocean, and I happen to know the way, so you don't need you ask the blindfold.

Blue cursor: But I wanted to ask the blindfold!

Swiper: Too bad. Come on, sing it with me! Cliff, ocean, black market island! Cliff, ocean, black market island! Cliff, ocean, black market island! Cliff, ocean, black market island! :Weird music plays and Swiper is suddenly in a mountainous field doing cartwheels: Come on babanos, everybody let's go! Come on, let's get to it! I know that we can do it! Where are we going? 

Mysterious Voice: Black market island! Where are we going?

Swiper: Black market island! Where are we going?

Lots of Mysterious Voices: Black market island!

Swiper/Mysterious Voices: Where are we going? Black market island! :Weird music: Black market island!

:Swiper is at the edge of a very steep cliff:

Swiper: Oh no! It's the very steep cliff! What am I going to do? Let's stop and think. Do you see anything that could get us across the cliff with the alligators in the river below it? Can't go around it! Can't go through it! So I have got to go over it! :whispering to the blue cursor: Click the bridge.

:The blue cursor clicks the bridge:

Swiper: Good thinking! I can use the bridge to get across!

:Swiper goes to the bridge and walks across it, and the frog, cricket and snail come and play the dumb music:

Swiper: Thank you for your help. Now, where do we go next? We went over the steep cliff, so what was next? 

Blue cursor: Let me guess. We'll stop and think for three days?

Swiper: Good idea!

Blue cursor: I was joking…

:Three days later:

Blue cursor: Seriously, I was joking.

Swiper: Now I remember! It was the ocean we needed to go to next! Come on, sing it with me! Cliff, ocean, black market island! Cliff, ocean, black market island! Cliff, ocean, black market island! Cliff, ocean, black market island! :Weird music plays and Swiper is suddenly in a mountainous field doing cartwheels: Come on babanos, everybody let's go! Come on, let's get to it! I know that we can do it! Where are we going? 

Mysterious Voice: Black market island! Where are we going?

Swiper: Black market island! Where are we going?

Lots of Mysterious Voices: Black market island!

Swiper/Mysterious Voices: Where are we going? Black market island! :Weird music: Black market island!

:Swiper is standing in front of the waves licking at his feet:

Swiper: Oh no…WATER! I hate, hate, HATE water! Do I have to go in?

Blue cursor: If you want to continue your journey and destroy that pesky Dora, then yes.

Swiper: Awww…man! Do you know a way to get across? :whispering to the blue cursor: Click the boat.

:The blue cursor clicks the boat:

Swiper: Yes! That's it! We can use this boat to get across!

:Meanwhile:

Dora: Well this is his hideout. Do you see anything that would show what Swiper is up to?

Boots: Right there! Footprints! They are leading to that scary six lane overpass!

Dora: Oh no! Not the scary six lane overpass! :Scary music plays: Now, we are going to help? :There is silence throughout the land: Great!

Blue cursor: I never said I would.

Dora: But don't you know? I always think you do no matter what you say.

Boots: Me too!

Blue cursor: That's good…but that still does not mean that you are going to get my help.

Dora: You'll help me! Great! :The blue cursor just sighs:

Meanwhile…

Swiper: Man, this boat is making me queasy. Hey! Can you help me find the bathroom?

Blue cursor: I'd rather not…

Swiper: Great!

Blue cursor: You are just like Dora! You ignore me when I say no to your stupid needs that I don't want to get involved in.

Swiper: Now, which door is the men's room? :Blue cursor clicks the door with the picture of the man on it: Right! :He goes into the men's room: Now count with me how many times I puke. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven! I puked eleven times! Wow, good counting!

Blue cursor: I'm so grossed out right now. Can you count how many times I puke?

Meanwhile…

:Dora is standing in front of the six lane overpass:

Dora: Oh no! The scary six lane overpass! How are we going to get across? Lets stop and think. Do you see anything that will help us get across?

Blue cursor: The plane, idiot.

Dora: Right! :She goes up to the plane: Hola! Habla espanol. :She turns around: I need you to say hable! On three. One, two, three. Hable!

Blue cursor: Vete a la mierda. 

Airplane: Vete a la mierda también, y adiós!

:Dora and Boots get flung out of the airplane via the ejection seat:

Dora and Boots: Ow! That hurt! :Dora rubs her back: Great. Now how do we get across. :She sees the rope: Oh! We could use that rope to get across the overpass! Now we need your help to get across. You need to put your arms out in front of you, and pull!

Blue cursor: I don't have arms, and I float.

Dora: Just pretend.

Blue cursor: I don't have an imagination, much less a brain, though how I am able to talk beats the hell out of me.

Dora: Just float across. :Dora and Boots pull their way across and the snail, cricket and frog come and play their music.

Dora: :unenthusiastically: Yay, we did it.

Meanwhile…

Swiper: Ahh…at long last, we arrive on black market island. Now, let us sell the stuff we swiped. :Swiper goes to the trading post: Hello, I'd like to trade this magic flute, this picnic basket full of papayas and this bucket of blueberries for full battle armor and a missile launcher.

Guy: Deal. :They exchange stuff: There you are! :Swiper can hear and airplane, and sees Dora and Boots coming down on parachutes:

Swiper: Time to pay, Dora.

:They both put on weapons and armor, only Swiper's is much better, and Swiper fires the missile launcher, scattering little pieces of Dora across black market island:

Swiper: Thank you for all your help today, we couldn't have done it without you. 

:From now on, it's Swiper the Explorer:

:It goes to a scene with credits and a jungle scene:

Blue cursor: This is taxidermed, stiched up Dora! Find Dora! :The blue cursor chases her around for a while, then clicks her: I got her!

Fin


End file.
